I tried to write about my vocational dilemma (to put it euphemistically) several times before now, but each time, it came out either too whiny or too angry. So, I gave it some time and I think that I am perhaps starting to come to terms with the direction my life is about to take.
I have always been the kind of guy who had things figured out far in advance. I finish my essays far ahead of the due date, I show up to social engagements 10 minutes before they are supposed to begin, and I have next year mapped out in my head before this year is even going. I am a planner. And I always have a picture in my head of what's coming next, of where I think I am going to be. With regard to careers, I have had in mind a certain path since college. At Austin College, I debated endlessly with myself about what I wanted to do. I was considering some sort of pastoral work, but I also knew that I wanted to teach. Still, I had in the back of my mind the idea that I would do a PhD, and this was confirmed for me on my graduation day, watching the academic procession. I knew teaching was my destiny. And so, even then, I already knew that when I finished seminary, I would be off to a doctoral program. When I got close to the end at APTS, I applied for another Master's program, hoping to improve my odds at the best PhD programs. So far, so good. I still had the path mapped out. And so I came to Scotland, did some good work, and applied to some good schools, but did not get accepted. And so, for the first time in a long time, I can no longer see the path that is in front of me. I have no idea what I am going to be doing this time next year, or in five years, or in five months, for that matter. I will not be going to a doctoral program next year, that much is certain, but I am starting to question whether that is really what I want to do at all, or if I just got so caught up in the certainty of having a career path that I have not been open to other possibilities. The truth is, I don't know quite yet.
What I do know is that I am now making other plans. Despite the sting of failure and rejection, I feel strangely liberated by this experience. It is as if I have been set free into a vast, unexplored world. I cannot say where I will end up, but that in itself feels exciting. And, given that I am such a planner, I don't think I have ever really felt that feeling before. It's interesting.
One of the things that has occurred to me in the last few weeks is the extent to which I have been "institutionalized." You always hear about the problem of institutionalization with regard to prison inmates who are being released, but I think the same applies to those who have been in school for a long time. Truth be told, I have been in one school or another for almost twenty-one years, the majority of my life, with no break. I have always existed within the structure and security of an academic program with clearly defined parameters and expectations, the rules and rewards always layed out. There is seldom any ambiguity in an institutional setting. You know where you stand. And you think of life in institutional terms - in semesters instead of months or years, in terms of grades and papers instead of work.
The other thing that I have been considering is what I really want out of myself. I feel a deep sense of disappointment in myself for not getting into a program, and I think I have been able to trace this disappointment to two things. First, I have never really failed, not really, not in any significant way that has derailed my plans. Which means that I have missed out on a critical learning experience, because I think failure can teach a person a lot more than constant success. It's a lesson I have never had to learn, but one that is already teaching me a lot more than years of essays and classes. The other thing is that I am worried about not being an intellectual, about somehow falling out of this ivory tower I have lived in these past years. Silly, I know, but once you have lived on the inside of the academy, it feels like "selling out" to consider going back down to earth, as it were. The academy, in a lot of ways, seems to look down on the real world and maintains that it is doing something special that cannot be replicated anywhere else. And while I think that there is something special about colleges and universities, something incredibly compelling, what I am beginning to learn is that it is possible to maintain a vibrant intellectual life outside the academy, to be a public intellectual without being an academic.
And, to be honest, the idea of being an intellectual, but not an academic, is appealing to me. I have always felt like I am more of a generalist than a specialist, and so I am much less interested in the narrow, picky issues that one must concentrate one's work on in the academy than I am in broader questions of the human condition, questions that one cannot write one's dissertation on. The academy is a community of experts, an expert culture in which two sides of a department sometimes cannot even have a conversation because of their specialized knowledge. And as knowledge becomes more and more fragmented, our academics lose their ability to say things that really mean something, to do work that really matters. And I want to do and say things that matter. Not that this is impossible in the academy, but it seems to me that the odds are stacked against doing so. I like the idea of setting my own intellectual agenda, in pursuing the big questions across a variety of disciplines. To move from narrowness to spaciousness, as it were. And perhaps I am being too critical of the academy. Perhaps.
And so, I am making other plans. At the moment, they are not big, sweeping plans. I am taking a break from those for awhile, letting ideas ferment while I try to live more in the moment. Which is always a good thing to do. My more immediate plans, however, are as follows: read more works of fiction (something that my current work prevents me from doing much of); become better at grilling; learn to brew my own beer; spend more time playing the trombone; get a job that is not academic, and see how that goes. In short, I am looking to diversify, to play to my other talents and gifts. That's the other thing that has occurred to me: my success in academia has led to my over-reliance on my academic side. I think of myself, in the first instance, as a good student, and I get the impression that others see my first of all as "the smart kid in class." And I'm not trying to be arrogant, that's just the impression I get. But, I want to be more than that. To be known for something other than ability to write an essay. Say, for my beer-brewing skills. Hence, my various plans, to develop other interests, hobbies, and gifts.
But, I am rambling. This is obviously more for me than for anyone else, although perhaps someone out there in the Internets will take an interest in my various incoherent ramblings. If so, then I thank you. If not, well, I probably worry too much about what people think about me anyway. That's another thing I need to work on. BCDees out.
